Ever wondered why your mother or grandmother was the way she was? Why connection feels strained, or why you yearn for a relationship that is missing completely? It is not you that is the problem, it’s not even her that is the problem, it is the systems around us all that is the problem. Abuse and trauma take many forms. Examples include being emotionally suppressed and abused, undervalued, invalidated, dismissed, controlled, silenced, overworked, sexualised, physically, sexually or financially abused, forced into pregnancies, terminations or adoptions, birth and medical traumas specific to women, grief, and all whilst being told to “harden up” or “sweep it away.” All of this, without a village to hold space for her through the hard things, leaves deep scars. Many women carry these wounds. Forced to silently endure stories of personal terror and war, stoicism and to just get on with it. Unable or unwilling to share what really happened, they survive in the only ways they knew how. To us though, that can look like hardness, a need for control, neediness, shame, anxiety, judgment, or victimhood. All signs of trauma that are not ‘acceptable’ when you become a mother. You don’t have to accept any of this as reason, or forgive, but you do need to know that despite the handing down of the abusive patriarchal legacy, ✨YOU ARE ENOUGH ✨ #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #abandonment #disconnection #mentalhealth #wellbeing #patriarchalsystems

All abuse is shocking. Why do people who claim to love you treat you so poorly? Sometimes, we excuse their behaviour or blame ourselves: “They were drunk.” “They were stressed.” “It’s because of their childhood.” “I shouldn’t have poked the bear.” “If only I hadn’t spoken up.” These thoughts help make sense of the senseless—and can keep deliberate tactics of abuse hidden in the unconscious. But for many survivors, the real shock and intense feelings of betrayal come later—when they fully realise the lengths an abuser will go to maintain compliance and power and control. Not because the abuser wasn’t capable before, but because it’s unimaginable that someone would go that far. Examples include - 💔 Using children as weapons—demanding full parental rights even though they are not capable of parenting, failing to adequately protect children, or turning them against the survivor. 💔 Controlling the narrative—getting others to collude, lying to systems, weaponising mental health issues they often caused. 💔 Stalking, intimidation, threats—forcing survivors to live in a constant state of fear, always looking over their shoulder. 💔 Prolonged punishment—delaying divorce, family and property settlements, refusing fair agreements, sometimes for years. 💔 Refusing to financially support children, or only supporting children conditionally. These tactics sabotage a survivor’s ability to rebuild, recover, and move forward. Abuse doesn’t always end when you leave—it often changes shape. Leaving survivors lost, confused, disillusioned, shocked and completely betrayed. One thing that is important to understand about domestic violence, is that just because you wouldn’t dream of deliberately making someone’s life hell, doesn’t mean they won’t. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #abandonment #mentalhealth #wellbeing #patriarchalsystems #doublestandards #familylaw

What is the Mother Wound? Generally speaking, the mother wound is the inherited trauma passed down through generations of women living under patriarchal rules. It is often caused by the passing on of suppressed anger and unmet emotional needs. It’s the resentment born from forced obligation, stereotyping and lack of intimate emotional connection. It’s the pressure of patriarchal, religious and societal expectations. It is experiences of domestic violence, family abuse, rape, sexual abuse, racism, poverty, and horizontal hostility. It’s the pain of mothering alone without a village. It’s being unheard, dismissed, invalidated. It is being objectified, overworked, and pathologised. The mother wound is everything that has happened to your mother and her mother and everything they’ve had to survive, handed over to you. It is not about you, but becomes about you in very detrimental ways. As a society, we struggle to understand it. Why do some women project their pain onto their children? Why do some Mothers choose partners as their ‘ride n die’, over and above their children? Why do some adult daughters fear setting boundaries with their mothers or mothers-in-laws, afraid of rejection, abandonment, punishment, or anger? Why do some mothers demand unconditional love or loyalty, yet offer theirs conditionally? These are patriarchal rules. A women’s ability to recover from trauma depends on many things: — Her circumstances and her own upbringing — Her access to support — Her level of privilege and/or safety —And how deeply she has been conditioned not to, or taught to fear, speaking about her experiences. Sweeping everything under the rug effectively. Society punishes women while expecting perfection. We blame women for not being “good enough,” yet deny them the freedom, tools, support, and financial stability they need to thrive. When these are denied to mothers, trauma is passed on, creating a mother wound. Healing the Patriarchy’s mother wound is not just personal—it’s collective. It’s not about blame. It’s about breaking cycles, finding compassionate understanding, and reclaiming and re-storying lived experiences.

Self awareness is more than just understanding our thoughts and feelings — it’s about digging deeper into who we are, healing where we’ve been hurt, and moving intentionally through life, for ourselves and the families and communities we live in. It is acknowledging our traumas — not hiding them, but facing them with compassion — and recognising the ways they shape our behaviour, including the unconscious projections we place onto others. Building boundaries around our socialised insecurities and jealousy is another step. Instead of letting these feelings dictate how we relate to others, we hold space for them, understand them, and protect both ourselves and those around us from the harm they can cause. It’s about honouring where we feel vulnerable without letting that vulnerability turn into resentment or control. Self-awareness also means celebrating what we are good at, owning our strengths, without constantly comparing ourselves to others or getting lost in what we perceive we lack. Confidence grows when we lean into our gifts rather than fixate on shortcomings. Self awareness thus calls for recognising and honouring the uniqueness of others. Everyone has their own path, their own talents, and their own lessons. When we can see that clearly, we lose the desire to compete or to prove ourselves. Self-awareness removes the need to be seen as superior as a way to gain power or control. It replaces ego-driven behaviour with genuine connection. Deep self-awareness fosters a desire to do what is right for all, not just for ourselves. We move from self-centeredness to community-centeredness, understanding that real fulfillment comes from contributing to something bigger than our individual needs. Moving from fear based racist, capitalist, misogynistic and patriarchal brainwashing will only occur when we deeply reflect on our inner and outer world. #hertime #womenscounselling #traumarecovery #patriarchy #selfawareness #domesticviolence #misogyny #powerandcontrol #healing #community #socialwork #relationaltrauma #oneworld #healthyrelationships #racism #capitalism #narcissticabuse #boundarywork

Why Do We Feel Empty or Alone, Even When Surrounded by People? It often comes down to one thing: disconnection from ourselves and our communities. What can cause this disconnection? - Living in abusive or violent relationships - Unprocessed or unresolved past trauma - Trying to live up to someone else’s expectations - Surrounding yourself with people who drain rather enrich - Neglecting your own needs - Living out of alignment with your values - Avoiding or suppressing emotions - Constantly prioritising others at the expense of yourself - No clear boundaries in work, relationships & well-being - Rejecting your unique qualities and skills - Perfectionism and fear of failure - Not having a relationship with yourself. Society also plays a very big role in this. Colonialism, racism, capitalism, ableism, homophobia, neoliberalism, patriarchal values, misogyny and sexism heavily contribute to how we feel about ourselves. These are just some of the reasons why we might feel lost or alone. When we are disconnected from ourselves, we often experience loneliness, rejection, feelings of abandonment, resentment, sadness, or depression. How do we work on a relationship with ourselves? By recognizing these patterns, we can begin the journey back to ourselves. Also in recognising how society shapes our beliefs, we can help shape a more connected, safe and enriching community. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #abandonment #disconnectiin #mentalhealth #wellbeing #patriarchalsystems

It takes time to feel whatever your normal is again after a natural disaster. The body often enters into a survival state, known as fight, flight or freeze in preparation for the unknown. We need these responses to keep us safe, but when the danger has passed, our job is to work on feeling safer inside the body and helping children feel safe. These survival states impact on our mental wellbeing in different ways. - it’s normal to be anxious or worried. - it’s normal to be emotional. - it’s normal to feel stressed and tired. - it’s normal to be exhausted. - it’s normal to feel frustrated or angry. - it’s normal to startle easily. - it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. - its normal to over consume. - it’s normal to want to runaway. Spending a little time settling the nervous system, finding safe people, talking to professionals, doing meditation, yoga, art, journaling, exercising or walking when you can helps. But none of these experiences are to blame, nor are they excuses for using violence and abuse against others. There are never any excuses for using power and control. If you have experienced domestic or family violence, reaching out for support can help. Phone 1800811811 or 1800respect for immediate crisis support. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #polyvagaltheory

Abuse and Domestic and Family violence doesn’t always leave visible scars. When someone experiences ongoing abuse — whether from a partner, parent, or family member — the psychological and emotional effects can be profound and long-lasting. Some common impacts include: • Constantly feeling like everything is your fault • A persistent sense of never being “good enough” • Fear of speaking up or expressing opinions • Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict • Trying desperately to “fix” or save the relationship, even when it’s harmful • Feeling isolated, alone, or cut off from support • Experiencing deep feelings of rejection or abandonment • Intense emotions like anger, sadness, confusion, and self-doubt • Feeling a sense of unhealthy loyalty to the person causing the harm These feelings are some of the common responses to abuse — they are not a personal failure of your own. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, can distort a person’s sense of reality and self-worth. Understanding these impacts is the first step toward healing. If you recognise these patterns in your own life, know that help and support are available. You are not alone, and you deserve safety and respect. Please phone, text or email Her Time for more information or visit the website www.hertimecounselling.com #EmotionalAbuse #ToxicFamilyDynamics #UnderstandingAbuse #HealingAfterAbuse #MentalHealthEducation #TraumaAwareness #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma

The Patriarchal system has encouraged and continues to encourage the narrative that women and young women, do not have the right to hold a boundary. Whether this boundary is around - - their body - their sexuality - their labour - their rights - their voice - their opinions - their parenting - their decisions - their life. Punishing a woman for perceived rejection, for trying to hold accountability, for trying to protect children, for not keeping themselves safe, for speaking out against sexism and misogyny, for not being pleasing enough, for not meeting the traditionally assigned patriarchal needs of society. She is either too much, or too little, too forward, too outspoken, too crazy, too rigid, too lazy, too angry or just plain not good enough. She can never win. And what can this punishment or silencing look like? Put downs, derision, humiliating, pouting, silent treatment, coercing, hurting, verbal, physical and sexual abuse and using systems such as the legal system, mental health system, family law system, criminal ‘justice’ system and capitalist system to control. Holding a boundary in a patriarchal world is hard. It’s hard because so many people expect women to be compliant and/or complicit in their continued oppression. Women are congratulated or put on a pedestal only when they toe the line. And as victim blaming is rife, it is almost always her fault for the consequences of pushing or fighting back against the line that was drawn for her. It’s never okay to silence or punish women - no matter how small or big the punishment is - for trying to maintain her right, and her community’s right, to safety, agency, autonomy and equality. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #familyviolence #patriarchalviolence

Adult relationships are hard. Falling in love is easy. Often we base the feeling of love as the most important part of a relationship, but a feeling is just a feeling. Someone might love you, but if their every action shows you otherwise, this is not love. Treating you poorly, dismissively, manipulatively, abusively are not signs of love, they are experiences of domestic and family abuse. Promises to do better, a bunch of flowers here and there, without serious and committed actioning is future faking. They are empty expressions of love. And most importantly if the pattern is that your partner or family member is only nice after they’ve been abusive or mean, this is complete manipulation. Love is an Action. Not just a feeling. People can tell you over and over that they love you. But it is their ongoing committed action in the relationship where they show real love. Don’t be fooled by empty words and future faked promises. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #familyviolence #adultrelationships #valentinesday #love #manipulation

Victim shaming is the perfect tool to keep you from looking outside of yourself for the reasons you feel, act, think, experience. Historically, blame was placed on the individual for what happened to them. It was your fault you were beaten, abused, raped, poor, not good enough. It was your fault if you were black, gay, trans, different. It was your fault if you were a single mother. It was your fault if you had addictions. It was your fault if you were mentally unwell, struggling to cope. It was your fault if your trauma coping leaked into the world. But we do not live in a vacuum. We live in systems. In a world that privileges one over another. That seeks to use one, in order to uphold the needs of the other. That prefers to gaslight and shame, in order to protect and make invisible the perpetrators. That uses interpretations of religions to promote fear and control. That blamed depression on made up chemical imbalances, or anxiety on sensitivity or faulty thinking, or disorders on personalities. The personal is always political. Domestic & family abuse exists because of patriarchy and inequity. Sexual violence exists because of domination. Poverty exists because of capitalism. Sexism exists because of objectification. Racism exists because of white supremacy. Mental health and substance abuse and addictions are almost always a result of some form of trauma. Shame is encouraged to control you. Nearly everything that impacts women, is more often than not, a result of the systems outside them. And nearly everything that happens inside of you, is a result of your experiences lived in the system. Her Time is a specialised therapeutic service for women impacted by trauma. For more information please visit www.hertimecounselling.com #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #betrayaltrauma #relationaltrauma #patriarchalabuse

Relational trauma impacts our physical, psychological, emotional, social and spiritual selves. Without therapeutic intervention, it can be carried through our personal and professional lives, altering who we are in the world. It can influence our relationship with ourselves and with others. If you have been impacted by relational trauma and wish to seek professional, specialised, non-judgmental, healing and supportive help, contact Her Time. For more information on the services Her Time can offer, please contact us, visit our website - www.hertimecounselling.com

Her Time would like to wish everybody a safe, gentle and peaceful Christmas Holiday period. Also wishing that in 2025 we all continue to work together towards a trauma free world. No more violence, abuse or assaults on women and children. No more racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia or transphobia. No more systems that encourage and permit homelessness and poverty. No more ignoring Men’s mental health and forced toxic masculinity as a result of the Patriarchal system. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #mentalhealth

Betrayal Trauma is When someone who is supposed to love you, consistently lets you down. When someone you love always hurts you. When someone you love always abuses you. When someone you love betrays your trust. When people you love turn against you. When systems meant to protect you, fail. It is human to trust that the person, people or systems designed or meant to protect, will keep you safe and not let you down. For example, in relationships that are hurtful or abusive, you hold out hope that this time it will be different, or that promises to stop hurting you will be kept. And when this is not the case, betrayal trauma occurs. Impacts of Betrayal Trauma include Depression or anxiety, Anger and resentment, Feeling or acting crazy, hopelessness, powerlessness, trauma bonding, desperation, disillusionment, self harm, Loneliness or isolation. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #betryaltrauma #relationaltrauma #childhoodabuse

RELATIONSHIP ABUSE IS ALSO BEING Afraid. Dismissed. Devalued. Invalidated. Exploited. Punished. Ignored. Silenced. Belittled. Blackmailed. Coerced. Blamed. Manipulated. Put Down. Controlled. Monitored. #16daysofactivism In 2024, women across the world still live without relationship equality. Stats tell us that 1 in 4 men abuse their partners. Approximately 90% of relationship violence is men’s violence against women. Women continue to live in fear for their physical and sexual safety. Too many women are very aware that either theirs and/or their children’s lives are threatened, often with violence, death or punishment if they don’t meet the needs of the abuser or if they go to leave the relationship. Too many women live with poor mental and physical health as a result of pleasing, placating and being forced or shamed into minimising their own needs. This is not a women’s problem. It’s a societal problem. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #16daysofactivism

Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this process the gathering of bones. A journey of returning home after being lost to yourself for whatever reason. Abusive relationships, no matter if it’s a family, intimate personal, friendship or a dominant system, take and take and take some more. An abusive relationship is one where you are forced to meet the needs and beliefs of the abuser/s over the needs of your own. Recovery after leaving an abusive relationship or system, means working on returning home to oneself. Gone is looking to them for approval or forced pleasing. Gone, also is the desperate need for them to change, or to finally see you, too make it better. Home is in gathering up the lost or discarded parts of ourselves. Home is found where space is made for your story. In books and art and music. In photography, gardening, poetry and nature. In sharing and holding. In dancing up a storm. In rage and in anger. Unraveling, recreating, reclaiming. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #clarissapinkolestes #gatheringbones

Societies rooted in patriarchal values have long excelled at shaming individuals for their responses to traumatic events. In such environments, people are often judged harshly for failing to conform to unrealistic or dominant expectations of how they “should” behave—a hallmark of a controlling society. Instead of addressing the underlying causes of these behaviors and holding accountable those responsible — whether societal structures or individuals — we often pathologize or shame survivors for their coping mechanisms. This approach renders the true perpetrators of abuse—be it the system, families, or individuals—invisible. Mental health struggles, from depression to anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, low self-esteem feelings of bitterness, resentment and desperation, are frequently responses to what has happened to us, rather than reflections of who we are. When we shame and judge people, including ourselves, for how we cope, we inadvertently protect and uphold a broken system. While it is crucial to take responsibility if our actions have harmed others in our pursuit of relief from trauma, poverty, or emotional dysregulation, blaming oneself for merely trying to survive perpetuates an outdated narrative of victim-blaming—one that ultimately serves to keep abusers in power. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #patriarchalsystem #shame #blame

The reality is that abuse, violence, and coercive control are centered on entitlement. Entitlement manifests as a pattern of behavior that prioritises the physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, social, financial, and spiritual needs of the abuser, above all else. Entitled abusive people do not meet their own needs; instead, they outsource this work to others. Thus, the survivor’s role is always to please, placate, repair, or fill the void created in the abuser when dysregulation, emotional insecurity, or entitled neediness occurs. There is absolutely no true empathy seen from an entitled abuser for what something might mean for you or what their insistent and insatiable demands are taking from you. If they are angry, often at a perceived injustice, the expectation is for you to fix it. If they want sex, your job is to fulfill that need. If they’re sick, your job is to put aside your own needs, or those of your children, to make them feel better. If they treat you poorly, your job is to absorb it. If you leave them, or put a boundary in after all they have done, they get angry and upset, often threatening harm, so your job is to make them feel better by returning or dropping the boundary. If they feel insecure, your job is to ensure their security by giving up your own needs. Learning that your individual needs are never the concern of an abuser is tough. Grief, shock, anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal are common experiences. But one of the greatest awakenings and freedoms a survivor can have is realising there is no hope for change with an uncommitted and unwilling abuser and instead re-centring yourself. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #patriarchalviolence

Don’t let those who tried to keep you small for their own gain or because of their own pain, stop you from you from showing up in the world. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery Original post from @womenwhorunwiththemoon

Whether you are continuing, starting, or in the early stages of contemplating a journey home to yourself, now is the perfect time to assess what you need for your emotional wellbeing. You are the garden and the gardener (@mental.paint)🍃🌸

Her Time would like to wish you a safe and peaceful Christmas/holiday season. Her Time will be closed from the 23rd December and reopen on the 10th January. If you phone, text or email during this period, I will get back to you on our return. For many women and families, Xmas can be a one of mixed emotions and experiences, including it being a challenging time of the year for many reasons. If you are needing any crisis support over the Xmas period please call 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732 DV Connect on 1800 811 811 Lifeline Crisis Support Service on 13 11 14 I would also like want to thank you for choosing Her Time to support you in 2023. It is an honour to take part in your reclaiming and healing journey. Karen Her Time ☺️🌸